oi oi oi

today i dug out this old vest i have. its pretty fuckin punk, with studs and obscure patches and its all black and old and torn. it used to make me feel so fuckin cool, i thought it was great. now, though, it just makes me feel stupid. it made me realize im truly over punk rock, at least as a culture. i think ill always love the music, but i think the scene is dead, if it was ever alive. maybe its the same, and ive changed. when i think about it, only about 4 or 5 of the hundreds of punk rockers ive met havent been posers. they were truly free from corporate influence and legal obedience. of course, they were homeless drug addicts, but thats besides the point. they were definitely legit punx. most of the ones ive known were whiny-ass, ignorant teenagers who didnt have jobs and lived with their parents, and constantly complained about how hard life is. they spent hundred of dollars on trendy stretch jeans, and practiced nihilistic affectations like picking fights and drinking all day. and dont get me started on people making up "punk" names and transforming into these personas, seemingly overnight.
dear god, i hope i wanst like these people i have in mind. but it seems likely i was.

xxxmas

this year, i had kind of a hard time getting into xmas, cuz if i dont think theres a god, whats the point? as near as i can figure, its sort of a social "armstice day." sort of a day where all the people get together nd say "ok, for at least ONE day, we'll concern ourselves with peace and joy and the welfare and happiness of others." of course, thats completely overlooking the materialism and needless concern over trivialities.
speaking of materialism, i got a helluva good haul this year. my ladys parents got us a TV antennae...finally, some fuckin' football! jeopardy and wheel of fortune, too...
plus some fairly bitchin' books and cds.

i think people maaay have gotten a little too worked up over obama. sure, i think hell be a good president. but there are a lot of serious, fundemental problems with the way we govern America. changing that will require total adjustment, even complete turnaround, of the attitudes of our politicians, and yes, our citizens. now, im not perfect by any means, but when i look at my fellow americans, i see a lot of shallow attitudes, trivial interests, apathy, and short attention spans. i also see a lot of searching for solutions to symptoms, instead of causes. for example, these bailouts that have become so popular. you cant just throw money at this problem! this situation that were in is the result of unchecked corporate greed, and utter lack of foresight.
but thats just one example. change ATTITUDES, not surface things.

so im thinking about joining the army. in the past, ive thought about the navy, but that was largely cuz i was bored. nowadays, though, there are different reasons. i made a foolish decision a few years ago and dropped out of school. at the time, i didnt care cuz i thought working in fast food the rest of my life. but now, i have a serious gf and a stepson to support. lifes expensive and we dont have much money at all, and things are getting bad financially. i have no training, no experience to speak of, and the only place i can get paid to train for a career is the military. if i could support us for 4 years in the military, then jill could finish school and id get out with a chance to get somewhere in life.
im just examining my options. no decisions have been made yet, but from the research ive done, it could be a good move for us.

fuckin kids, man

theyre nuts. seriously.
theyll ask you for the impossible, constantly! right now, im being struck with markers, shrieked at, and having my hands torn off the keyboard because it is imperative, apparently, that i connect all the markers in the house end to end and wield them as a staff. this, of course, is impossible. the weight is far, far too much. as i am subjected to cries of "NO MORE COMPUTER!!1 WAAAaAAAAHH!!! HELP TIIIIIM!!!!! MOOOOOOOOOOMMYYY!", i cant help but wonder what the goal here is. a weapon? pole vault? merely my attention? or is he just fucking with me? i dont just sit on the computer! i talk to him simultaneously! i bet im the only motherfucker around that can fill out a job app and play with play-doh at the same time. what the hell does he want!??!?!

also, fox has his own little names for things, and its up to me to figure out what the FUCK hes talking about. apparently some show is known to him as "joke." i have yet to figure out what this means, so when its time to watch cartoons for a while, its "WATCH JOOOOOOOOKE! PLEEEEAAAASSSEE!?!?!?!" and i say "well, just show me what it is and ill get it!" ad he says "jOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKKEEE!!!!HEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPP! WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" and so on.

id love to help, but wtf

chokin' on my own rage here...

FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKK!
why cant i get a job??
i have 5 years of customer service fucking experience!! ive been a manager for a year and a half!!!
all i need is $10/hr! for the love of god!
ill dig ditches! clean toilets! ANYTHING! is there noone who will hire a qualified young man?!?!

sorry. just frustrated. i just had an interview and it went great...i mean great. ive never interviewed that well. the job was as a parking manager at the hilton for 12 big ones an hour. they were like ok, youve got the job....whats your availability? i said during the day. ohhhh, they need someone at night.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FCUKCKFNCKFJC

why i cant believe in an abrahamic religion

Judaism had its origins in the Canaanite/Israelite culture of the late 2nd and early 1st millenia BC. Israelite culture was Canaanite in origin, sharing with other West Semitic cultures a common pantheon made up of gods including El, Asherah and Baal, as well as the worship of solar and lunar deities and ancestors and common practices including necromancy and child sacrifice. Yahweh originated as a war-god in Edom/Midian, and was gradually assimilated into the highland Canaanite pantheon. This process was marked by two major phases: In the period of the Judges and the early monarchy, convergence saw the coalescence of the qualities of other deities, and even the deities themselves, into Yahweh: Thus El became identified as a name of Yaweh, Asherah ceased to be a distinct goddess, and qualities of El, Asherah and Baal (notably, for Baal, his identification as a storm-god) were assimilated into Yahweh. In the period from the 9th century BC through to the Exile certain features of the Israelite religion were differentiated from the Yahweh cult, identified as Canaanite, and rejected: examples include Baal, child sacrifice, the Asherah, worship of the sun and moon, and the cults of the "high places". The driving forces in this process were the royal household of Judah, which identified Yahweh as their tutelary deity, and the prophetic schools of the north. The religious reforms of Josiah, dated by the Bible to around 622 BC, and apparently a reaction to the political crisis through which Judah was then passing, marked the decisive step from henotheism to Yahweh-centred monolatry (the insistence on the exclusive worship of one patron god for Israel, without denying the existence of other gods); the development of full-blown monotheism, the concept that Yahweh was god not just of Israel but of the world, is more difficult to date, but seems to have developed during the Exilic and post-Exilic periods, in the hands of the Yahwist priesthood.

there ya have it, folks. the three most popular religions in the world (judaism, islam, christianity) are based on a subgroup of a polytheistic pagan religion. it would seem that for most of the world, man did indeed create god.

a brief history of tims taste in music

religions are filled with so many infuriating concepts. it makes me so mad and confused, but theyre so numerous it would take me forever to talk about it, and i have jobs to apply to. once im employed, rest assured ill be bitching at you, dear reader, about it.
looking for a job fucking sucks. i have a schedule restriction, so ive gone through like 3 interviews that were perfect until they asked about my availability. sooooooo frustrating. its nerve wracking enough without the constant raising and dashing of hope.
speaking of suction, i havent smoked for like 3 weeks. goooo tim. i cant really bitch about it, cuz i knew exactly what i was getting myself into when i started. its getting easier though. it would be easier still if i could blaze a little when im hurting for a smoke, but i got this kid to watch and i need a job. stupid adulthood and its priorities. what im doing with myself now is way more satisfying and cool and difficult than the slacker twentysomething thing i had going before.
ive been thinking about my musical geneaolgy, so to speak, and compiling a list of what bands i heard about from whom. aaron bass leads the list by a long shot, shortly followed by erick saenz and of course jon frame. heres my attempt at the list:

aaron b-
the supertones
the aquabats
atmosphere
aesop rock
pedro the lion
coheed and cambria
planet smashers
the slackers
agent orange
american football
bouncing souls
deltron
five iron frenzy
get up kids
saves the day
jawbreaker
dr octagon
less than jake
millencolin
osker


erick s-
promise ring
boys life
make believe
funeral diner
pinback
appleseed cast
algernon cadawaller
kung fu rick
hewhocorrupts
owen
...who calls so loud
i hate myself
heroin
knapsack
indian summer

chaz h-
postal service
newfound glory
blink 182
hey stroker (lol)
homegrown

jon f-
los ovlidados
descendents
screeching weasel
scholastic deth
minutemen
jerrys kids

dan n-
alkaline trio
the distillers
bikini kill
minor threat (i think)

kaila-
world/inferno friendship society
gogol bordello

i got a "yes on 8" ad in the mail the other day. it said that if 8 were voted down, homosexuality would be taught in schools and children would be forced to take field trips to gay weddings.
*mm*
*mmmf*
*MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA*
seriously, guys? thats the best you could come up with???
first of all, even if they were to take kids on a field trip to a gay wedding, your kid wouldnt be forced to go cuz you could always refuse to sign the permission slip.
second of all, i'd like to hear the teacher's pitch to the principal about the academic merit of that particular field trip.
third of all, what class would homosexuality be taught as a part of? i recall few, if any, classes on weddings and relationships. that kind of thing is the parent's responsibility to teach their children. who the fuck wants someone else to teach their kids that?


ugh.

anyway, i had a dream last nite that i was living in long beach again and had my old car back. my buddy and old roommate, mo, broke my rear windshield with a baseball bat and somehow rammed the bat through the hood and taped a threatening note to it.

quitting smoking is going ok. its not too bad, but theres a constant, low level craving for a smoke that peaks every few hours. the good news is, i can smell and taste things! i didnt even realize that i hadnt smelled or tasted anything to its full extent in like 4 years. my nose isnt stuffed up any more, and my breath is immeasurably better. however, i am hacking up all the tar ive inhaled over the past few years, which is a fairly unpleasant experience.

i had a 2nd interview for a job in an upscale pizza/pasta lunch counter kinda place. i did fairly well, i fear i mightve come off as irritating to the other people who worked there, cuz i asked so many questions, but i think i did alright with the actual work.
fuck, i need a job.

light my cigarettes with a hundred dollar bill

so i quit smoking. jill got me a carton of smokes for my birthday, and it seemed to be a good idea to quit on something big like that. i'm not hurting nearly as bad as i was last time i tried to quit, at which time i was at about 2 packs a day (40 smokes) and failed miserably after about a month. shit, at the time when i wanted a smoke, it felt like there was a fuckin' wasp's nest between my temples. this time, i've been at about 3-5 a day, and it's mild to moderate, more "i could go for a smoke" than "NICOTENE NICOTENE NICOTENE NOW NOW NOW."

i need to get out more. really. between watching fox and looking for a job, my social contact has been reduced to facebook and aim for like 6+ months, and i'm really starting to feel it. i feel nervous and uncomfortable around people when i go outside, and i suspect it shows in my interviews. i've interviewed for some jobs i would've been great at, but i theorize i blew the interview. plus i've been noticing i'm inadvertantly talking to myself, which i'm sure is not a good sign.

so yeah. irritation and insanity. gooooood times.

let there be blog

as if i didn't waste enough time on the internet already, i'm starting a blog.

some of you may wonder, as i do, what could possibly make me so arrogant as to believe that people would want to read my inane, insane ramblings?

i dunno. i've always thought keeping a journal was a good idea. i always find myself wondering "what the hell was i thinking?" or "how did i get here (physically or metaphysically) from where i started?" this seems like a good way to keep track. plus, the fact that i do, indeed, have friends suggests that at least some people find what i have to say interesting or at least entertaining.

i figure that the worst that can happen is that noone reads it and instead of talking to myself, i can at least type to myself.

now, for the meaty subject matter.

3 interesting dreams lately.

#1
i went on a GTA-stlye shooting spree in santa ana. in the first segment, i went all aggro on a school or something and totally got away with it. the perfect crime. i got away with because the gun was clean or unregistered or something, and couldnt be traced back to me. then, i shot up a street intersection, and i fucked up, cuz it was more public and i left witnesses and i realized that i didnt, in fact, arrange the gun to be untraceable and it was only a matter of time before i was caught and probably put to death.

my theory:
the gun represents some part of my life that was previously handled, and now im concerned that it isnt kept together. i have a feeling that the gun is a symbol of employment...money is power, and i've been looking for a job. i started out confident that it would be easy, and it hasnt been, and i suppose i've been pretty worried about it.

#2
i was watching fox (my girlfriend's son, who i've been spending most of my time caring for) and i was invited to go out drinking with scott kurti and kristin wilcox, of all people (high school chums) and i had thought that i'd arranged for him to be taken care of, and i went out, and started worrying that i hadnt taken care of it at all, and i called home to ascertain, and the voice on the phone said in a very matter-of-fact way "hello, child protective services, can i help you?" naturally, i shat bricks, and called jill (the afforementioned girlfriend) and she was understandably pretty pissed.

my theory:
i've essentially been the kid's stepfather for about six months, and i'm new to this whole kids thing, and there's a lot of pressure. there are so, so, so many things to remember and take care of and watch, and if you fuck up, he could get scared or hurt or much, much worse. additionally, it's a very time consuming proposition, and leaves one with very little time to onesself, meaning very little, if any, social life. now, i love this kid, and taking care of him has thus far been the most worthwhile thing i've ever done with my life. it's humbling and rewarding and i could see doing this for a very, very long time. all the same it's not easy, and i guess i am a little worried that i'm losing touch with the outside world and my friends because i don't get out much anymore.

#3
i was at this boarding school, just visiting, not living there, and some broad wanted to fuck me and i was all "uh, no thanks man, i have a girlfriend." and she got really mad. and the school was constantly being barraged with natural disasters and riots.

my theory:
fucked if i know, dude.